I’ve lost someone to suicide
Introduction
Losing someone to suicide is a tremendously painful and complicated experience. There is no set path or timeline for grieving, and each person processes their loss at their own pace and in their own way. There are no simple answers; however, there are many resources to support people who experience this type of loss.
If you are in the immediate aftermath of suicide loss, please see: the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s I’ve Lost Someone resource for practical information about what you might expect to experience during this painful time. The site also has a good list of resources and advice on caring for yourself.
We are providing the information in the following cards as an additional resource to support you as you strive to cope with and understand your loss.
Grappling with “Why?”
It is common following a suicide to try to understand why it happened. It is natural and normal to want and search for answers. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to truly get full resolution to this question given the complexity of the factors that underlie suicide. Often, family members of someone who has died by suicide want to learn as much as possible about the mental state of their loved one and what led them to the act, as well as when, where and how their loved one died. Even once someone has cobbled together key facts, they still may not feel they can answer the question, “Why.” Finding answers, and/or accepting the inconclusiveness of those answers, is a commonly difficult but necessary part of the journey for many who are bereaved.
Understanding your feelings
Try to be patient with yourself as you grieve, and know that feeling flat, angry, confused, abandoned, guilty, alone, ashamed or even relieved are common after a suicide loss. You might experience some or all of these feelings at one time or in waves. Anger might be particularly hard to experience or express, as it can feel “wrong” to be angry toward a person who was apparently in extreme pain. Honoring your emotions without judging them can help you to process painful feelings and come to terms with your loss.
Talking to others and staying connected
Immediately following a suicide, people often struggle with how to talk about their loss and the circumstances around the death. While many people find that it is best to acknowledge that their loved one died by suicide, we encourage you to decide what feels right for you.
When you are ready, it is very important to get support from the people in your life. It is ok if you want to be alone at times, but try not to shut others out. Try to reach out and be open to the people who reach out to you. In addition to friends and family, your religious or spiritual community might also be a source of support and comfort.
Over time, you may find that talking to people close to you about how you feel eases some of your suffering. It is especially valuable to connect with someone who is a particularly good listener and share with them. Maintaining connections can help you in the healing process.
Getting back to routine
When you’re ready, start re-engaging with your typical tasks, hobbies and social life. While it may feel impossible to go back to your usual routine after losing a loved one to suicide, getting back to some semblance of predictable daily life can be important for your own mental health and healing. Remember that enjoying your life is not a betrayal of your loved one.
Developing new routines
After losing someone to suicide, consider finding a new and active strategy for managing your grief and coping with your loss. You might participate in events that bring survivors of suicide loss together, volunteer within the survivor community, and/or express yourself artistically (e.g., through painting, drawing, writing or photography).
Taking care of yourself
It is very important to continue to meet your emotional and physical needs — grieving is a marathon, not a sprint. If you are able to attend to your health and well-being by continuing to eat right, exercise and get enough sleep, you will be better able to process your difficult feelings over time.
Seeking professional help
Talking to a professional after losing someone to suicide may help you process and manage feelings of depression, isolation, confusion and anger. It may also help you feel supported without being concerned that you are burdening the people in your daily life.
The amount of time that someone spends in therapy to work through loss will vary from person to person – there is no set path or timeline for grieving. You may feel most comfortable meeting with a therapist one-on-one, or you may find it useful to speak with others who have experienced a similar loss in a support group or in group therapy.
Remember, seeking professional help is a sign of courage and strength. It is especially important to seek out professional support if you experience one or more of the following:
- Prolonged grief and sadness
- Intense emotions that do not decrease over time
- Symptoms of severe distress, reaching the point where important functions are impacted (e.g., work or child care)
- Unhealthy methods of coping (e.g., using alcohol and other drugs to numb feelings about what has happened)
- Thoughts of self-harm and/or suicide
Things to keep in mind
- It is ok to cry by yourself and with others.
- You can still say the person’s name out loud and have them be a part of your life. Incorporating rituals or other ways of memorializing the person you lost can help.
- Take care of your physical health: exercise, eat well, and get sufficient sleep.
- Anniversaries, holidays and birthdays can be particularly difficult after losing someone to suicide, and you may need to accommodate for these events as they come up. Perhaps plan in advance to spend the day with family or friends.
Resources
- Need help now? Text START to 741-741 or call 1-800-273-TALK(8255)
- After a Suicide Resource Directory – Coping with Grief, Trauma and Distress
- American Association of Suicidology – Suicide Loss Survivors
- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: I’ve Lost Someone
- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention – Find Support
- Beyond Surviving: Suggestions for Survivors
- SAMHSA Behavioral Health Treatment Locator
- Suicide: Finding Hope – resources for survivors of suicide and for suicide attempt survivors
Introduction
Losing someone to suicide is a tremendously painful and complicated experience. There is no set path or timeline for grieving, and each person processes their loss at their own pace and in their own way. There are no simple answers; however, there are many resources to support people who experience this type of loss.
If you are in the immediate aftermath of suicide loss, please see: the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s I’ve Lost Someone resource for practical information about what you might expect to experience during this painful time. The site also has a good list of resources and advice on caring for yourself.
We are providing the information in the following cards as an additional resource to support you as you strive to cope with and understand your loss.
Grappling with “Why?”
It is common following a suicide to try to understand why it happened. It is natural and normal to want and search for answers. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to truly get full resolution to this question given the complexity of the factors that underlie suicide. Often, family members of someone who has died by suicide want to learn as much as possible about the mental state of their loved one and what led them to the act, as well as when, where and how their loved one died. Even once someone has cobbled together key facts, they still may not feel they can answer the question, “Why.” Finding answers, and/or accepting the inconclusiveness of those answers, is a commonly difficult but necessary part of the journey for many who are bereaved.
Understanding your feelings
Try to be patient with yourself as you grieve, and know that feeling flat, angry, confused, abandoned, guilty, alone, ashamed or even relieved are common after a suicide loss. You might experience some or all of these feelings at one time or in waves. Anger might be particularly hard to experience or express, as it can feel “wrong” to be angry toward a person who was apparently in extreme pain. Honoring your emotions without judging them can help you to process painful feelings and come to terms with your loss.
Talking to others and staying connected
Immediately following a suicide, people often struggle with how to talk about their loss and the circumstances around the death. While many people find that it is best to acknowledge that their loved one died by suicide, we encourage you to decide what feels right for you.
When you are ready, it is very important to get support from the people in your life. It is ok if you want to be alone at times, but try not to shut others out. Try to reach out and be open to the people who reach out to you. In addition to friends and family, your religious or spiritual community might also be a source of support and comfort.
Over time, you may find that talking to people close to you about how you feel eases some of your suffering. It is especially valuable to connect with someone who is a particularly good listener and share with them. Maintaining connections can help you in the healing process.
Getting back to routine
When you’re ready, start re-engaging with your typical tasks, hobbies and social life. While it may feel impossible to go back to your usual routine after losing a loved one to suicide, getting back to some semblance of predictable daily life can be important for your own mental health and healing. Remember that enjoying your life is not a betrayal of your loved one.
Developing new routines
After losing someone to suicide, consider finding a new and active strategy for managing your grief and coping with your loss. You might participate in events that bring survivors of suicide loss together, volunteer within the survivor community, and/or express yourself artistically (e.g., through painting, drawing, writing or photography).
Taking care of yourself
It is very important to continue to meet your emotional and physical needs — grieving is a marathon, not a sprint. If you are able to attend to your health and well-being by continuing to eat right, exercise and get enough sleep, you will be better able to process your difficult feelings over time.
Seeking professional help
Talking to a professional after losing someone to suicide may help you process and manage feelings of depression, isolation, confusion and anger. It may also help you feel supported without being concerned that you are burdening the people in your daily life.
The amount of time that someone spends in therapy to work through loss will vary from person to person – there is no set path or timeline for grieving. You may feel most comfortable meeting with a therapist one-on-one, or you may find it useful to speak with others who have experienced a similar loss in a support group or in group therapy.
Remember, seeking professional help is a sign of courage and strength. It is especially important to seek out professional support if you experience one or more of the following:
- Prolonged grief and sadness
- Intense emotions that do not decrease over time
- Symptoms of severe distress, reaching the point where important functions are impacted (e.g., work or child care)
- Unhealthy methods of coping (e.g., using alcohol and other drugs to numb feelings about what has happened)
- Thoughts of self-harm and/or suicide
Things to keep in mind
- It is ok to cry by yourself and with others.
- You can still say the person’s name out loud and have them be a part of your life. Incorporating rituals or other ways of memorializing the person you lost can help.
- Take care of your physical health: exercise, eat well, and get sufficient sleep.
- Anniversaries, holidays and birthdays can be particularly difficult after losing someone to suicide, and you may need to accommodate for these events as they come up. Perhaps plan in advance to spend the day with family or friends.
Resources
- Need help now? Text START to 741-741 or call 1-800-273-TALK(8255)
- After a Suicide Resource Directory – Coping with Grief, Trauma and Distress
- American Association of Suicidology – Suicide Loss Survivors
- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: I’ve Lost Someone
- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention – Find Support
- Beyond Surviving: Suggestions for Survivors
- SAMHSA Behavioral Health Treatment Locator
- Suicide: Finding Hope – resources for survivors of suicide and for suicide attempt survivors