Introduction

If your child has been affected by the loss of someone close to them by suicide, it might be difficult for you to know how to best comfort them and help them to navigate their grief. While it is natural to feel helpless, know that you do not have to be a mental health professional to support them through their loss. Here are some practical and concrete ways to understand and help your child during this challenging time.

Communicating with your child about a suicide

Suicide is complex and difficult for adults to understand. So, of course, it can be daunting to try to explain it to a child. How you talk with your child about suicide will be different depending on their age – the key is to try to be as honest and clear as possible. If your child asks you what suicide is, you can let them know that suicide is when someone intentionally takes their own life. Just as people die from diseases like cancer or from car accidents, some people have serious brain illnesses that cause them to die by suicide. If your child wants more detail, use your discretion to help them understand as much as is age appropriate. For older children and teens who ask “Why?” it is ok to let them know that you don’t understand it completely yourself. Sharing your struggle to make sense of the loss and how you are coping with your grief can be helpful to older children. For guidance on how to best address a death by suicide with your child, consult with your family doctor or your child’s pediatrician.

Be honest and tell them what you know about loss

Let your child know that there are no right or wrong ways to experience a significant loss and that everyone grieves differently. You can let them know that grief does not last for a set amount of time. It will be important to tell them that, while there is not one thing that will take their sadness away, the loss will get easier to deal with over time. Telling them about your experience dealing with grief can go a long way to normalizing their painful feelings.

Children and grief

As children grow and mature, they develop new and more refined ways of understanding their experiences. Children of different ages will understand a significant loss based on their developmental stage at that time. Thus, it is natural for your child to develop new ways of understanding and talking about a suicide loss as they mature. Be prepared for that, and do not be surprised if they ask similar questions repeatedly as they grow older. This is their way of making sense of the loss.

Importance of routine

Encourage your child to continue participating as much as possible in their regular routine and the things that they enjoyed before losing their friend or family member. Also, encourage them to keep being themselves and behaving like a child or teenager. Sometimes people feel guilty having fun and experiencing pleasure after a loss. Let your child know it is okay, over time, to have fun or feel happy. Even if they don’t feel like their usual self for a while, it will help them to re-engage in what they know as normal. Parents should also model this behavior for their children by trying to get back to life routines as appropriate.

Need for stability

In the wake of a suicide, a child will need to reestablish a sense of stability and security. Thus, it is important that parents convey a comforting and reassuring tone and demeanor, and a sense of strength in this difficult time. Keep in mind this may be especially challenging in the face of a suicide since, as a parent, you may also be sharing your child’s sense of sadness and distress. This is why it is very important for you to seek support from other adults so that you can be present for your children. Nevertheless, with older teens, it is okay for them to recognize that you are also sad about this loss — as long as they see you coping in healthy ways.

Peer support

If your child experiences a suicide loss that affects their group of close friends, consider coordinating a gathering of their friend-group, with the presence of parents/adults and, if possible, a school counselor. This provides an opportunity for your child and his or her friends to support one another, and also a chance for the adults to gauge how the youth community is managing its loss.

Memorials at school or on a college campus may seem like a good way to help students cope with feelings of loss and to honor the person who has died. Before such an event is considered, it may be helpful to remember that the impact of memorials may not always have the desired effect. If you are thinking about holding a school memorial or erecting a permanent memorial for a young person who has died by suicide, there are numerous factors to review before you plan.

• Memorials may act as a catalyst for copy-cat or contagion suicides; teens who are at risk for suicide are vulnerable when they see that someone else’s suicide death has brought mass attention and an outpouring of sympathy and strong emotions in the deceased person’s honor
• Memorial services can send the message that suicide is an acceptable choice for solving problems

The SPRC guidelines suggest alternative memorial activities such as donating money to a cause meaningful to the deceased student, or volunteering in honor of the friend or loved one who has died.

Self-care for your child

It is also important to encourage your child to be healthy and take care of themselves. Support your child’s maintenance of healthy habits, such as eating well, getting a good night sleep, exercising and being careful of substance misuse. You should also encourage and teach your child to use healthy stress-management strategies.

Self-care for parents

Supporting your child through his or her grief, after losing someone to suicide, can be emotionally taxing. To best care for your child, it is essential that you take care of yourself. It can be distressing to see your child suffering, and you may also be dealing with your own grief around the loss. Also, be mindful that parents are likely to experience discomfort over the loss of someone who is as young as their child and it will be important for you to work through these feelings. Make sure that you can process your feelings and concerns with someone (such as a friend, family member or counselor).

When to seek help

When you notice significant and prolonged changes in your child’s behavior, consider seeking out further support from a professional. Remember that you know your child better than anyone and that you are best equipped to notice significant and prolonged changes in their behavior or emotional state.

Some of these changes might include:

• Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities
• Alcohol, tobacco or other drug use
• Avoidance of emotions
• Withdrawal from friends and family
• Significant changes in sleep or eating
• Increased difficulty with school or work
• Marked changes in their self-care
• Preoccupation with death or self-harming impulses/behavior. If your child is talking or joking about their own death or about self-harm, it is important to reach out for help as soon as possible

Resources

• Need help now? Text START to 741-741 or call 1-800-273-TALK(8255)
• http://www.personalgriefcoach.net/
• University Parent – Adolescent grief: Helping your child through a time of loss
• New York Life – After a Loved One Dies: How Children Grieve
• New York Life – Children and Loss: An Overview
• The Moyer Foundation’s National Grief Resource Guide
• National Alliance for Grieving Children – Find Support