Introduction

When someone we care about is grieving, it is natural to feel helpless. It can be even more difficult following a suicide or drug overdose death. If you have a friend or loved one who has been affected by suicide, it might be hard for you to know how to help or what to say. You do not have to be a mental health professional to be supportive and to make a difference. In fact, care from family or a friend is especially helpful and comforting for someone going through this type of loss.

Let them know you care

Just acknowledging the situation and keeping in touch is a meaningful way to offer your support. There may be times when your friend or loved one needs space to grieve alone, but it can be incredibly comforting and reassuring for them to know that you are “there” for them and that you care. This is a time to follow cues and to do what seems most comforting for the person who is grieving; it is a time to offer care, support and compassion when they need it and to be patient and understanding if they need space from you.

Listen with acceptance

Everyone experiences grief differently and there is not a single “right way” to process loss. You cannot fully understand what your friend or loved one is thinking and feeling unless you ask them and listen to their answers. This might mean that your support involves much more listening than speaking. When you do speak, focus on asking questions that create more opportunities for them to process their grief. For example, “How have you been managing since [name] died?” “How have you been feeling?” Try to maintain a balance between asking a few simple questions and sharing times of peace and silence; be aware that too many questions may be overwhelming.

Be patient

People grieve at different paces – it is really helpful to them when you are patient and non-judgmental about the way they are grieving and the time it takes for them to go through this painful process. You may notice that their emotions are unpredictable, or their focus on the loss comes and goes at unexpected times. Try to remain steady and avoid expectations or jumping to conclusions about how they feel. Avoid taking things personally – there can be times when your friend or loved one wants to be left alone, or doesn’t seem to be attentive to your needs, or snaps at you for no reason at all – let it go, be patient; this is part of being in a supportive role for someone who is grieving.

Offer practical support

“I am here for you if you need me.” “What can I do to help?” It is good to offer help and assistance to someone who is grieving, but if your loved one doesn’t know how you can help or isn’t able to ask for something specific, it is good to help without being asked. Bring them their favorite take-out food, clean up their room or make their bed, bring flowers, do their laundry, take out the trash, etc. You might be surprised how big a boost it is when people take care of the small things for a grieving friend.

Keep these things in mind

• Grief can last longer than a few weeks or months. Remember that there is a lot of attention and support immediately after someone dies – the grieving process goes on long after that, so reaching out months later is very comforting and gives the message that the loss and pain have not been forgotten.
• Grieving after a suicide can result in unexpected and conflicting feelings (including anger, shame and confusion). This is common for those who have lost someone to suicide (or drug overdose) and those supporting them.
• Avoid giving advice, as this is rarely helpful. If you want to make helpful suggestions, start with “Have you thought about trying….” or “I wonder if it would be helpful to…….”
• Allow your friend or loved one to express any emotion that they are feeling — cry, laugh, break down, become angry – these are all normal emotions during grieving. Remember that it is ok for you to show your sorrow or grief too.
• Try to avoid comments such as, “I know how you feel,” “They are in a better place,” or “It’s time to move on.” It is best not to talk about yourself or to make impersonal, general statements even when you mean well when you say them.
• Anniversaries, holidays and birthdays can be particularly difficult for survivors. Acknowledge how difficult these occasions might be for your friend or loved one and perhaps plan to spend some time with them on those dates.

Connect them to resources

Talking to a professional after losing someone to suicide may help with processing and managing feelings of grief and sadness. For some people, group therapy and support groups for grief and grieving can be very helpful and can usually be found in your community and/or college campus.

Encourage your friend or loved one to seek help when intense feelings of depression, isolation, confusion and anger do not decrease over time. Suicide survivors are also at risk of having their own suicidal thoughts.

It is especially important for your friend or loved one to seek professional support if they exhibit the following:

• Prolonged grief and sadness
• Intense emotions that do not decrease over time
• Symptoms of distress that reach the point where they are no longer able to function at their usual level (e.g., can’t go to school or work; poor academic or work performance)
• They begin to cope in unhealthy ways (e.g., using alcohol and other drugs to numb feelings about what has happened)
• Thoughts of self-harm

There is no set path or timeline for grieving, but in the typical grieving process, the heavy sadness and intense feelings of loss should improve as the days and months go on. Remind your friend or loved one that seeking professional help for prolonged, intense grieving is a sign of courage and strength.

Take care of yourself

Supporting a person who has lost someone to suicide can be emotionally taxing. You will be best equipped to offer support if you are also taking care of yourself. If you are in a support role, take occasional breaks, take care of your body with exercise, adequate sleep and good nutrition and take time to talk to a friend, family member or counselor about your own feelings.

Resources

• Need help now? Text START to 741-741 or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
• AFSP: Find Support 
• After a Suicide Resource Directory – Coping with Grief, Trauma and Distress
• Modern Loss: How to Support Someone Affected by Suicide 
• SAMHSA Behavioral Health Treatment Locator
• The Moyer Foundation